With the exception of impromptu demonstrations to random persons pertaining to the use of Rovio games as casual physics simulation tools, this is the first time I have attempted to review a recent Angry Birds title.As with anything pig-written, expect an utter disregard for the need to stay on topic, and epig fails are waiting round every corner! English is not even my first language, what do you expect, eh :)Prepare yourselves to be Angry! This is the worst Angry Birds review... in the world!
Let's review the plot:
1. Pig steals Bird's things.
2. Bird gets Angry!
First Impressions
Angry Birds Stella appears to be (at first) marketed to the fairer ones among us, and the intention to create a product specially for the ladies is reflected in Rovio's community outreach efforts and
advertising thus far.And while I tend to favor the feminist approach to just about everything in life, I don't believe it's appropriate to say Stella is a "girl's game". Yes, there are
a lot of some pink overtones, pleasantly pastel environments and an increased level of character customization reminiscent of a dress up game (all quite stereotypical of games aimed towards the female playerbase), but at its core, Stella is one truthfully furious avian and gameplay involves Desperate House-birds standing up for themselves against home-invading pigs from the sky and making bacon out of them with outrageous superpowers straight out of a Hollywood action movie!In other words, you could say it's like Charlie's Angels, only Pigger! Except there are no Michael Bay-style oversized explosions all over the place. No sir, Stella is all tactical and stuff, and having a decently established gaming career in the sci-fi genre over the past two decades, I could truthfully say this paradigm shift in
modern furious avianism involves thinking out of the box like a 24th Century Starfleet officer. I'm looking at you, Captain
Janeway!
![Angry Birds Stella Superpower]()
Carefully guiding a proton torpedo up the Imperials' exhaust shaft... where have I seen that before?
Angry Birds: Combat Evolved
From zero-gravity shenanigans in Angry Birds: Space to Jedi powers in Angry Birds Star Wars (2), character special powers have gotten more complex and spectacular with each new Angry Birds game. Reminiscent of a military modernization program, a small part of these advanced combat capabilities had been 'retrofitted' to classic Angry Birds in
Red's Mighty Feathers, along with of course our infamous Bad Piggies contraptions including such favorite nonsense of mine like
ROFLcopters and OMGtanks.In the first five minutes of my Stella experience, it looked like Rovio took all the abovementioned gradual evolution in Angry Bird special powers and turned them up to eleven on Golden Island, arming cute schoolgirls with massive Gauss Rifles from Mechwarrior, and teaching elementary science
Quantum Tunnelling concepts to teleport Photon Torpedoes into enemy installations. All that, on top of having a master's degree in temporal mechanics, giving the ability to slow or even freeze time, making me wonder if our cute little birds here have somehow managed to hack into the
Matrix to alter school timetables, give themselves "A" in every subject and of course, as a side benefit, give the porcine invaders virtually no opportunity to take cover before a
GDI Ion Cannon disintegrates them into their component lard molecules. And I am serious and have screenshots to prove it! Read on!But before we utilize such advanced warfighting concepts, we need to consider the environment, first.
![Angry Birds Stella - Dahlia Science Fu]()
Utilizing a tactic pioneered by Captain Janeway of the USS Voyager in the year 2375 against the Borg, Dahlia exploits Starfleet transporter technology to beam past impenetrable barriers, to explode in rage on the other side!
The Operating Environment
It is currently not known where Golden Island actually is, but it must be some sort of offshore island paradise where the Bad Piggies are mere servants (or at best, mercenaries) under evil Gale's control. The in-game cutscenes - which, most entertainingly as usual, have no narration or background story whatsoever, do not give any hints as to whether Ms. Gale is an usurper to the avian throne, or everyone's favorite frustrated schoolmistress utilizing porcine mercenaries to confiscate stuff from "badly behaved" schoolchildren. Yes, I made all of that up without reading anything online because I am one lazy pig. Self-justification aside, imagination is part of the fun when following Rovio's games, after all, it's your gameplay experience - make your own story!Puttering about on an airship reminiscent of wacky Pigtorian concepts of aviation, but without the
100% Epig Fail potential, the mechanic pigs here appear to be refreshingly competent as well. And check out that awesome retro hairdo!
![Angry Birds Stella Airship]()
We get signal! Somebody set us up the bomb!
Players familiar with Angry Birds would have no problem navigating the levels of Angry Birds Stella with tried and true
radical restructuring methods (thanks,
Republic Commando!), with the exception of small pockets of bacon hidden behind impenetrable obstacles like
Kashyyyk-style ancient trees that are best left untouched lest we spark the ire of all those self-appointed environmentalists out there... as though they're not angry enough!With environmental concerns outruling the use of classic brute-force Angry Bird
aggressive negotiation techniques, our furious little heroines have turned to a new method of eco-friendly warfare to turn the tide against the airborne pig forces.
![Angry Birds Stella - Lucas]()
Unlicensed pig development sighted! Commence radical restructuring!
Small Birds, Big Power
Since Golden Island is some sort of tropical rainforest paradise, it is in the Angry Birds' best interests to protect said paradise, and the recently-detected porcine infestation, for lack of a better term, surgically removed then cooked for breakfast.With heavy ordnance being replaced by
Small Diameter Bombs in the United States Air Force in the interest of reducing collateral damage, the Angry Birds too have refined precision strike capability to engage bacon insurgents in deep cover without causing damage to the rainforest.We start off with Stella herself.
Stella: Reloaded
![Angry Birds Stella Character Card]()
Pink Bird Mk.2 - Now with OCP advanced targeting systems pre-installed at no extra cost! Minimal side effects!
In earlier iterations of Angry Birds, Stella's special power involved taking a very soft approach to the act of popping pigs, at least in comparison to high explosives and kinetic penetrators utilized by the other Birds.This time, Stella was so furious that the earlier "soft approach" soon gave way to a Pandora's Box combination of precision in-flight re-targeting (a feat many modern aircraft munitions would find challenging) and a ridiculously fun rebound-boost ability.Stella doesn't pop pigs by the first, "primary" impact. Her low velocity, lightweight impact would only tickle one's bacon. Stella instead accelerates to maximum speed whist rebounding after impact, creating a deadly 'back handed' strike to whichever pig is unfortunate enough to be in the way!
Backstroke of the West, anyone?Ricochet shots in the real world are random at best, but in the world of RoboCop, advanced ballistics computers gives our favorite cyborg policeman the ability to ricochet pistol shots off nearby walls with unparalleled precision, taking a hostage-taker by fatal surprise at least once, maximum deadly pun intended. Now you too can benefit from
Omni Consumer Products targeting technology to dish out justice on Golden Island!
![Robocop ricochet shot in Angry Birds Stella]()
It's just like Robocop's ricochet shot, only pigger!
And did we mention something about bullet time? That's right, you can setup ridiculously complex rebound trajectories at your own pace with the all-new Matrix inspired time stop function!So, RoboCop and the Matrix combine forces to bring you one very cute and very deadly guided missile. Wait, I'm thinking she's more like RoboCop in the Matrix! OMG! We're off to a great off-topic start, aren't we?
Poppy 2-B
![Angry Birds Stella - Poppy]()
It's like the Tasmanian Devil combined with the precision of a GDI Ion Cannon strike!
Poppy is the second of the Angry Birds to be unleashed in the game, and her Tornado Dive should instantly evoke memories of the Tasmanian Devil in you!Otherwise, if you are a keen follower of modern warfare, you would also be familiar with
Explosively Formed Penetrator (EFP) technology, most prolifically utilized in the
TOW-2B antitank missile and the
CBU-97 anti-armor munition. Overflying a tank and firing projectiles into the top of it has the effect of bypassing the majority of the tank's armor protection.How does that translate to gameplay? One word - brilliant! Poppy's top-down Tasmanian Devil Drill attack bypasses the reinforced façades of pig-built buildings and has the added bonus of Stella's Matrix-style bullet time effect to place your EFPs right where you need them to be! It's just like the Ion Cannon in Command & Conquer, with 11 additional herbs and spices!
![Angry Birds Stella - Poppy]()
GDI Ion Cannon strike in 3...2...1...
Lucas' Gauss Rifle
![Angry Birds Stella Lucas]()
Gauss Rifle!!!
Lucas Electronics
may not have the best reputation for reliability in automotive applications, but Lucas' Gauss Rifle sure does make a mark upon those atrocious unlicensed high rise porcine apartment blocks popping up all over the place!Right, it's called the Soundwave Shock, but why do I insist on referring it to a Gauss Rifle? Simple - it looks like one! The
Gauss Rifle animation in
Mechwarrior 4 consists of a bright blue glowing spiral that gives a whole new definition of "Reach Out and Touch Someone" whenever, wherever, AT&T style. Against skilled gunners armed with multiple Light Gauss weapons, the Pigs would be missing missile racks and a multitude of crucial 'Mech components even before they reached visual range... but that's a story for another time when Pigs and Birds pilot huge robotic war machines in the 31st Century!Gauss rifles do tremendous damage due to the sheer armor penetrating ability of a hypervelocity slug, which is nicely simulated in Angry Birds Stella by virtue of its unique "refraction" ability - you can smash through dozens of glass panels at once!
![Angry Birds Stella - Lucas]()
Reach Out and Touch Someone - AT&T
![Angry Birds Stella Lucas]()
That's what I'm talking about! Refraction!
Willow's Flying Pillow
![Angry Birds Stella Willow]()
No it's not a Pillow, but a Willow!
When I have time, I'd love to draw Willow on a Pillow because, look! They rhyme! How amazing!But what's more amazing is the sheer versatility of Willow's Spinning Pillow attack! Not just capable of plowing through porcine apartment blocks like a hot knife through butter, she is also more maneuverable than a thrust-vectoring
Sukhoi fighter jet and can twirl around in mid-air to strike those pesky, hard to reach bacon infestations right where they least expect to be popped! It's just like the Blaster Bomb in X-Com, only pigger!Besides being able to conduct multi-vector assaults on enemy pig fortifications, Willow can also attack hard targets with an impact fuze - meaning to say, she activates her superpower whenever she hits something! Great for confined spaces or when torpedoes are not available - just send her down the Death Star's exhaust port and auto-activate!
![Angry Birds Stella - Willow]()
That look of "I'm gonna become bacon!"
Why do I call her a Pillow? Well, it's about mass, or lack thereof. Be careful of dense materials like stone, for Willow would bounce off dense objects like a pillow and ricochet off randomly!Easter Egg - Launch Willow on a high trajectory, touch the screen and hold! She will go round and round somersaulting endlessly in the air! And then when the pigs get all distracted and stare at your impromptu airshow, release your finger and unleash the full extent of your pillow fury on them!
NYC Pillow Fight style!
Dahlia - Science Fun!
![Angry Birds Stella Dahlia]()
More like Science FUN!
The subject of my last character review for now is Dahlia, everyone's favorite science major who has spent all her evenings watching Star Trek for the past several years! While some of her classmates mock her for being overly geekly, Dahlia has saved many a bird from becoming KFC by her spectacular practical implementation of quantum tunneling! At first a getaway tactic, "
transporter" technology proved invaluable in the conduct of guerilla warfare against the porcine invaders, teaching them they can surely run, but they can't hide from the powers of SCIENCE!While most scientists would don lab coats and work on special weapons projects far from the battlefront, Dahlia instead showcases her scientific prowess in the field of battle, personally striking at pork camps with the power of a photon torpedo where no bird has gone before!Dahlia's Science-Fu power is not just great for striking at the enemy behind normally impenetrable cover, but also great for blowing stuff sky-high! Check out this hover-sled I "made" for the piggies! Fly piggies FLY!
![Angry Birds Stella Flying Pigs]()
Look ma! Flying pigs!
Conclusion
I wanted to write a 'different sort' of game review, one that doesn't take itself seriously and one that isn't constrained by format, brand loyalty or even time - this review, at the time of writing has been sitting in a corner of my mind for three whole weeks! I don't expect it to be popular but I wanted to showcase how a gamer's mind associates a new game's sights and sounds with what said gamer finds appealing from exposure to other titles and franchises.Just like how the blockbuster movies of today take big and small cues from successful films of yesteryear, a truly great game should tie in, unobtrusively and subtly, to many other positive influences from games that were back in the day influential or innovative in their own right. That's what separates the popular games, to the truly great games that will be classics of tomorrow. Gaming to me is never about jumping from title to title, keeping up what's hot today and throwing away what came before it just a few months or years ago. Hence, I enjoy tracing out a given path of evolution, or making seemingly off-topic references to other franchises altogether. I give credit where due.Gaming, for some people, is not just a mere hobby. It can be a most welcome and healthy distraction from an oppressive culture or environment, and additionally be a very strong reminder that somewhere out there is a world actually worth living for. Again, the need to form connections.That's why, in my short tenure at the helm of a Bad Piggies community, I have strived to not just enjoy the game but also make full use of whatever Rovio has made for us. In terms of Stella and my approach to play and review the game... well, I just love my Gauss Rifles and Ion Cannons - they were effective weapon systems back in the day where we fought against Clan invasions and the Brotherhood of NOD - and they are still highly effective today in a vastly miniaturized form!But jokes aside, it is important as we progress through the 21st Century that we learn not to stereotype - yes, Stella was designed with a primarily female playerbase in mind, hence, Rovio's distinctive marketing strategy focusing on younger girls. But just because it "looks pretty" doesn't mean it can't be enjoyed by anyone.Enjoying a game takes place on a personal level. It's not about how the developer thinks or what the marketing department thinks is the "target audience". Enjoying a game is about how you, and no one else, perceives the qualities of the game, how it affects you, and how you associate yourself with it. One person's cutesy little casual game, is another person's ticket to remembering a pleasant past experience in the world of science fiction. And with it, maybe a stepping stone to something better...
but that
Unfortunately, despite exhaustive research attempts, the names of the new Stella characters have not been found. 
To learn more about the Jeongwol Daeboreum holiday, please see the following links:
What else can you expect from the books? Pirates, pirates, pirates! Rovio continues its love of a pirate theme with several of the upcoming books (also check out this week’s Angry Birds Friends tournament for even more Angry Birds and Bad Piggies Pirate action).
The Angry Birds Rio 2 update, Timber Tumble, included a link to the 
